there is a moment that comes. one that extends a hand, a listening ear. and those moments come too few for me.

i have been told to write daily, to practice, to read, to publish. all for the sake of putting my words into the world more often. i have instead done almost nothing out of fear of what that would require of me. i have learned that writing is a sacred act. one that should not be taken lightly but still one to be done often and with reverence each and every time. it is the fear of failure here that drives my lack of interaction with my keyboard. but recently i stumbled upon this quote: “to live the creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong” (joseph chilton pearce). this struck me so deeply that i have not yet been able to loosen my grip on it. and for quite a long time i have also held tightly to a somewhat familiar rilke quote about “living in the questions”. i won’t quote it here because of it’s length, and because i’d love to give you the joy of stumbling upon it yourself in your time, when the time is exactly right to hear those words. you’ll know it when you see it. i digress. 

i bring myself back to the page, armored in these quotes, because of the way they have inspired me to step back and take a look at who i present myself to me. lately i have found that i desire what i put out into the world to be perfect. this drive toward perfection has gripped me with fear and, in turn, stunted my growth. i suppose i come back to the blog because i desire it to be a place of growth and healing, no longer trying to present anything that has been “perfected” or at least “good enough” for the world to see. if that is my aim, the world will never actually see me. 

i lack a certain amount of trust. i have tried too hard to hold my own broken heart in my hands, preoccupied with what others would think if they saw the true state of it. i suppose this is a simple step toward releasing my grasp and trusting others with that heart.

It is early afternoon but still feels like morning. And although I sit inside on a green picnic bench, I feel the breeze. The window next to me, the cool air rushes onto my skin in bursts. I can hear death cab playing in the background and I soak it in. I feel lovely today, my skirt flowing every time I walk. I woke early, I am surprised that half the day has passed me by and the day still feels new.

Plans and busyness swarm around me. I simply try not to stir up emotions as we talk toward the day. I wonder who will ‘win’ this time. It always feels like internal battles when others start asking for their way. Compromise still eludes us, but community is the best struggle I have yet endured. It is worth the suffocation, the battle for self, the tip-toeing. When it is right, everyone wins: laughing at the wind and ourselves. Sitting with drink on the stoep or the pool, dancing. Laughter, the sound I hear most often, joy echoing through our walls.

Once, I met 7 strangers the same day. I called them family instantly out of necessity. The longer we journey in the same direction, the more true the word ‘family’ becomes. I imagine it is the way the older adopted children feel. Sad to leave the ones they have learned to call family out of necessity.

I dream more and more toward the future lately. It is with excitement I think of home. But still I can’t think fully of the days I will no longer share this house. I am learning to call myself ‘one of 8’ raised by a village of people and God as my Father. 

a week to change your life.

contribute to humanity.

make the most.

come to the cross.

open your hands.

arise to the call.

live for another. 

there’s joy to be found.

rise up and risk.

finding space is proving to be a task i am unsure if i am up for. i have lost count of the number of people constantly around. every room i seek out, there are three others to be found. trying to quiet myself amidst the noise is struggle. it is here that it seems the noise gets louder. i want to join, to take every chance to join the crowd in their fun. but when i am spent, i find that it no longer matters what i am a part of. my spirit flat, i have nothing to give. and i can no longer receive what others try to give.

this is God’s way with me. when i run away, neglecting the time we are to spend, he spends me. i find i run only on the fumes of an empty tank. it is painful. i find others know me better than i know myself, in this regard. telling me to take the time i need before i burst. but i close up my ears, fearing all that i will miss out on.

yesterday. my eyes tired. my body weak. my spirit frail and lifeless. i neglected myself. i gave nothing, i received nothing. i did not restore.

today. seem again to be running. slower now. finding any activity to postpone finding space. and when i find space, i find God.

…………………………………………………………………

i still lack a grasp on the nature of things. i am still appalled and disturbed. a president ruining his country for sport, an entire nation running from what was home. it is not a new home they find. instead cold grounds, prejudice, violence breaking out around them. it has become fear that lives inside. hope diminishing evermore. our job is not provision or even safety. we are unable. the job has become love, prayer, the restoration of hope. 

please join the prayers for a nation restored, a now-dictator’s heart change, hope for refugees. the burden heavy, we must carry it together. those alone must feel the weight of our prayers greater than the weight of their suffering.

it is perfect. just what was needed. lush greenery, a comfortable chair, a cool breeze. God’s extreme blessing evident to me now. i am blessed. i am beloved. tears streamed yesterday as a prayer of thanks. i felt gratitude deeper than before. than ever. it is God i want and his gifts a reminder of his presence. i am always with you. i carry your heart in mine. the words of my father, my friend, my lover. i pray they echo continuously, ceaselessly.

still so often i wait. for life to begin. real life. as if this was only the rehearsal. and maybe it is. my heart leapt today as i thought of all that i can become. will become. am becoming…

we were told to dream today. i dreamt of a future life. one to be grasped and pulled down into the present. to live from the heart. the truest place any can know. again tears came. this time for possibility of greater things. for things to be set right. for me to take my place and know my name for the first time.

i saw those things a young girl of about four sees. a princess in her castle, waiting for her love to come. waiting for her prince. holding an important role, she does not sit idly by while she waits. she is strong, willing, deliberate but risky. she is a warrior princess who fights a battle bigger than she. the battle is to be won for she doesn’t fight alone.

it seems silliness when spoken aloud. but there are those who seek to steal the dream, i am wary. 

i am having difficulty processing all that i am among and around. i can’t truthfully express the way my heart has been breaking. even writing this, i am sporadic, jittery, unsure. i spent three days in a township for the second time. it was comfortable this time. felt more like home and the place that God is calling me into. 

i traveled down a dirt road, through a gated stone wall and into a tiny room on the first day. inside laid ten of God’s most precious, i am convinced. my heart broke instantly as i saw four staff people ill-equipped for the task of daily living with the disabled children they care for. i knew momentarily that God was asking me to be there. it was strong and gentle, the way that God is. and i couldn’t not say yes. and i couldn’t stay away. 

returning soon after, it was clear of my place there. a warm welcome with a sense of expectancy. there were already ones that i looked forward to seeing. ones whose smile brought one to my face as well. and the most vivid memory is simply of touching faces. receiving in return a smile that both warmed and broke my heart simultaneously. 

these are the untouchables. i don’t say this romantically, i say it truthfully and personally. i have for many years shied away from those with disabilities out of some sort of fear or unawareness. and it is here, in this community that i suddenly feel most at home, most alive. and most challenged. it is these times i feel God is most alive in me and these times that i feel most in awe.